Sunday 27 February 2005

Dry your eyes, mate.

A few days ago, I received messages from you saying that you've discovered a piece of information about the man you love. You are heartbroken and bruised. My friend, I am sorry I'm not there physically, to offer my shoulders while you are at the bottom. I know how painful it is, for I have gone through it too, though it's now more like a very distant memory.

To love and not be loved is a cruel and hurtful stage in our lovelife. I'm not going to tell you that your life is going to sail smoothly. There will be times when you feel you can't take whatever life is throwing at you and you just want to die. There will be times when you feel you just want to break down and cry. Let it out, my friend. You are entitled to a little self pity. While you're at it, just remember you are the only best thing that happen in your life.

You are worth a thousand more than him. Slowly, you will get back on your feet and you will be laughing again. Your pain will soon heal but the scar will be a reminder that you have learnt a lesson. Be as cynical as you want, but please... please do not give up on love. I haven't.

There is no doubt
He left you without a clue
I know you think (I know it)
You have no future - no future at all
I'll show you how (I'll show you)
How I'll make you not hurt at all
So if we try (if we try)
We'll walk through the moonlight
I'm here when you fall
Dry your eyes, he left you crying
Deep down inside I know you just feel like dying
Dry your eyes, I'm gonna be there for you
Waiting forever
Ever more
Now that he's gone (he's gone)
Can you find the strength to carry on
I'll show you love
Love and compassion - you'll open your heart

Friday 25 February 2005

Wise words

I picked these up from somewhere. I thought I share them with you readers. Pearls of wisdom for women and men alike.

1. If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money and doesn't appear to realize that you have set it free... you either married it or gave birth to it.

2. The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does and won't be shy to point that out.

3. Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.

4. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

5. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

6. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

7. The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. If you look like your passport picture, then you probably need the holiday.

10. Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.


Hope your life will never be the same again.

Wednesday 23 February 2005

Moments of ecstasy and pleasure

Meg entered the room and, with a knowing smile playing about her lips, she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner. The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach.

Locking his steely grey eyes on hers, he moved slowly towards her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotising her with his murmurs of assurance.

He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire. With a sigh of surrender, Meg allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh. He expertly guided her through this tender, new territory, boldly taking her to heights she had never dared to dream of, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satify her every need.

Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long.

And just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused and, for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, 'It's too big! It will never fit!'

Then with the sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes. And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned.

Oh yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it again and again and again...Oh yes.

Don't you just love shopping for shoes?

Sunday 20 February 2005

Mystical moods

Of a woman
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradictions,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in satin, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk;
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.


Of a man
One word. Horny.

Thursday 17 February 2005

aku terkencing dalam seluar

I was supposed to go outstation today but delay one day so hooray for blogging! Sebenarnya I was being so emo last night, al maklumlah kan. I still got darah muda you know, even dah tua tua cam ni. Me got worked up and pissed off at the anons because of strings of comments left all over the blogosphere. My take is they're not the sole reason for dz to quit. I guess dz has many other reasons that only she knows. You know lah like work, cats, hanturaya, bomoh, spa and skydiving.... and oh not to forget, she has to cuci taik Farhan with post-it notes. Hehehe... jangan marah ye dz.

Ok.. now that everything is calm I can laugh at myself. Did you read the last line? Come on. Bring it on.Hahaha...macam nak berperang pulak. Eh eh.. memang lah this blog about battles but that one line sounds like perang cheerleaders pulak. Heessh tak kuasa aku.

Masa balik tadi I drove passed the services on M4, dah lepas baru terasa nak terkencing. Celaka betul. Dah ler I mengantuk macam nak mampus sebab tak cukup tidur berdrama semalam. Dah puas dah slapped my face sampai merah pipi tapi tak jalan jugak. So to keep me awake, I rolled down the window. Temp was 3 degree kot.. sejuknyaaaa. Terbeliak bijik mata. Memang mujarab ubat tahan tidur yang ni.

Tapi kan pergi tambah pulak dengan my bladder problem yang dok nak terkeluar sesangat ni, satu kesilapan besar. Memang nak terburai masa tengah driving jugak. Let me tell you a secret. Never rolled down your window kalau nak terkencing. Pengsan. I saw the next services is 20 miles away. Nak berhenti kat tepi jalan, nak mampus? Karang kecut abis bila dok mencangkung. Kalau kat kg, org tua kata hantu ikut lekat kat situ tu. Hmm.. jadi lelaki kan senang.

Wuaaaa... teruknya saya terkemut-kemut menahan. Sepanjang jalan saya berdansa sorang sorang. My hip sekejap lean depan sekejap sandar kat seat. Kejap pakai seat belt kejap bukak. Mana taknya, belt dok tekan perut bila saya menari. Aiyoo

Sampai je kat service station, ingat nak terus lari pi toilet tapi tak boleh. Lesson no 2, jangan bergerak walau seinci pun bila kereta berhenti. Relax dulu, tarik nafas in and out. Kalau tak, basah seluar sebab dia dah dok tunggu depan pintu. Bila rasa dia toleh ke dalam semula, barulah get out from the car ok.

Time ni, muka dah merah and panas. Imagine bila I duduk je atas bowl tu, hhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa lega.

terkencing dalam seluar? eh mana ada.

Wednesday 16 February 2005

It's a sad ending but necessary

Yes, it is already late and I haven't gone to bed yet. From anxiety to confusion, to being sad and now I'm mad.

I'm so pissed off and I got so much energy to burn. If anyone was in front of me now, memang dah kena kickboxing dah. Whoever you are, you are such a fucking bastard! Dare comment but a fucking coward that you are, you hide by being anonymous.

I shouldn't be emotional and this is not about me, but when it involves my friends, damn right I will defend them! I'm fiercely loyal and when idiots like you cross the line, enough is enough.

Why are you so envious of people who are trying to pick up the pieces of their life? Do they hurt you? Do they kacau you? Or do they even ask for your money? What have they done that affect you badly? Come out and say it.

At least those who blog and bare their souls on the net, they are honest. We are not perfect, just human full with flaws and yes, we are lost but we are seeking to find the path back to the main road. The least you could do is offer support or if you can't do anything else, just shut the fuck up!

This stupid attitude shows exactly what kind of characters you have. You can say whatever you want to me, I'm ready but be truthful and show that you are not a coward.

The blog that inspired me to write is shutting down within 24 hours. It's heartbreaking to know what the writer has gone through and is still going through, I can only imagine. When you read the writing, you think you know them but the fact is you don't. Writers are public figures but they don't owe it to you or anybody else. They only let you on bits and pieces of their life, but that doesn't mean you know them personally.

Blogging can bring happiness and make you feel relieved but at some point it has been a difficult journey for some. In reality, friends can become enemies and strangers you don't know maybe the gems. This is the path to self discovery. And what a discovery it is for the writer. You shall be missed.

Come one. Bring it on.

Thursday 3 February 2005

A Letter to the Grave

Dear Father,

I don’t know how to begin. The last time I saw you in 1999, you were taken to a mosque and my final chance to say what’s inside of me went out the window. I thought gone were the days of uneasiness and doubtful feelings of an insecure daughter. How wrong I was. Last night after almost 15 years of denial, I broke down.

You were there for us, but you were never there. You were the pillar of the family and the backbone providing us with whatever we asked of you. But Father, did you ever love us? As a person. As your children.

All these years I carried with me a sad thought that you never ever held us in your arms just like a normal loving father should. How could you not do that? How could you never have the desire to at least lift us up and cuddle us? It hurts and I grieved for the missing caresses. It affected me in a way I never wanted to acknowledge it until now. It has shaped me to become a woman I am today. Indifference.

Maybe in your own way, you loved us. You just didn’t know how to show it. The truth is, I don’t know whether I could say I love you. I know I never uttered the words. How could I when you hardly pat my back for my achievements or hug me when I fell off my bike? When I failed my studies, all I wanted was a hug and soothing words telling me everything was ok but to get up and face life again. And when I was getting better, encouraging words would have help too. Did I ever received them? Never. You frowned or smiled, but never showed your true feelings. I know you were proud of me but not once you ever said it to me. Sometimes I needed to hear the words to make me feel better because I definitely can't read your mind.

Showing your emotions doesn’t make you less of a man, Father. You didn’t have to be serious and strong all the time but it seemed to me you never allowed the closeness and tenderness in our life. It looked like you never displayed any interest or paid attention to my emotional needs. And oh how I craved for a little bit of touch from you, but in the end I grew tired of waiting.

I might be able to understand you if, for once, you faltered over in your life because as we grow older, we became wiser too but I never understand you. Was it because you're given away as a child that made you distant? The fact that your parents didn't want you didn't mean that you could treat us the same way you were treated. We needed you. We needed your warmth and love.

I fear you as a father but to respect you, I doubt it. It didn’t take you long before you married again. 5 months, Father. 5 fucking months! She wasn’t even cold yet in her grave when you remarried. And you dare said we were not being fair. Weren’t we entitled to be angry and felt betrayed by you? I resented her but I tolerated her presence and I was cilivised because I didn't know where to vent my anger.

Is it any wonder why I hated going home, even for Raya? I’d rather spend my time with my friends’ families who adopted me into their lives. I see them as a strong family institution and my friends are my family I never felt I had. With them I shared my miseries and my happiness.

Is it any wonder why I have little trust in men in general? They have to earn my trust and show that they are capable of loving or else I would be blinded to see them as you. Believe me, I am a romantic fool. It’s either all or nothing. I don't want my children to feel like what I have suffered emotionally. It seemed like your sons and your other daughter managed to build their lives just fine. All your grandchildren are wonderful and they know how to show their emotions. I love hugging them to show that I love them dearly.

I wish things were different and I wish we were one big happy family, but this is me. I bleed and I was bitter. I’m sorry I didn’t cry at your funeral. Should I?

Wednesday 2 February 2005

62.78% Sexually Corrupted

My brain is a sly creature and a jumble of broken sentences. Sometimes, I barely finish saying or making up sentences when I would be rudely interrupted thus making my brain clutters. And sometimes my loud mouth is faster than my head so I ended up saying all the wrong things to the wrong people at the wrong time, which happen to be most of the time. Please, pardon my ignorance.

But when it comes to sex (education or not), I’m all wicked and as good as new. You betcha! The kinkiness of it just brings out the woman in me. You know, some people (if you are men, please exclude yourselves) lived all their life and never went into an adult store. Several of them would like to step foot in it but too scared or ashamed to succumb to their curiosity. A few would carelessly walk in and came out intact, yet there’s only a handful that signed up as a member and kept going back for more. It’s a perfectly natural instinct, but please, there’s no prize for guessing which group I fall into.

The first adult theatre I went to was Olde Un Theatre in Columbia, quite a huge one but since it was the only one of its kind in town, the need for it was understandable. I bumped into it by accident. Just arrived from the homeland, I acquired a bicycle in the middle of a full-blown snowy cyclone season. And one fine day, cold from the breeze and breathless from cycling up the hill, I glanced across the road and saw the sign.

After a few minutes of arguing with myself, I decided I should go in. There were two entrances; one facing the main road and the other was at the side. Parked my bike and put on a very tebal face, I just walked in through the side door. You'd think I was crazy enough to walk in the front door? No way Jose! I was a naive 21 for goodness sake! and didn't I say somewhere that I am shy? And if I tell you what I was wearing on my head at that time, you'd be so freaking surprised!

I was greeted by the sight of so many shelves of videos, magazines, and gifts and another entrance to theater room (they just added 3 more recently). I was stunned for a few minutes and as I walked in, the patrons were stunned too and looked at me as if I just fell from heaven (or hell). I was feeling awkward and sheepish but soon after I got caught up with some sort of twisted excitement in browsing all the stuffs. I can’t believe all the err.. educational and colorful pictures on the cover of the tapes. As I remember, the videos were separated into soft and hardcore yet I found it hard to differentiate. They all looked the same to me.

Another section (this I like) is the sexy silk lingeries, handcuffs, whips and other goodies for bedroom games. I spent over an hour looking through all that while at the same time entertaining wild thoughts. Before I left the place, I put on another brave face and approached the man behind the counter.

Excuse me. How to be a member? (To rent, one has to be a member)

Bring an ID.

An ID? Er.. passport ok?

Sure.

I cycled back with a mixed feeling. Don’t know whether it was due to shock, delight or disbelief. But I never felt the shame.Oh! That place closes at 3 am. So when I couldn’t sleep, I’d …. ahh well, you don’t need to know that.

Btw, I think that store at Mid Valley doesn't even come close to the real ones. Five minutes in there and I wanted out. If they want to have one, why not make an extensive adult store. After all, we are all wicked and bizarre enough, only malu malu kucing in public.

Oh please! Don't blame my two cents for the keruntuhan akhlak of the youngsters. They have been doing a fine job of that on their own.