Wednesday 25 May 2005

reminders for the opposite sex

Some men need to take notes of these because, obviously, you need reminding. This is not male bashing, it's for your own good.

The next time you and your mates joke about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you aim successfully at the toilet rim.

Please don't drive when you're not driving.

If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn't ask the question in bed.

The next time you bitch about women drivers, research the number of accidents caused by ogling our mini-skirts.

When you're not around, I belch loudly, too.

If you must grunt in reply, please develop a system to indicate a positive as opposed to a negative grunt.

Don't insist that we get off the phone and then not talk to us.

Eye contact is best established above our shoulder level.

Cleaning the house is not necessarily women's work; besides, most of the dirt and clutters is yours anyway.

Yes, we know most of the great chefs are men. Why is it, then, that you never want to cook?

We go to the loo in groups to talk about you.

Thursday 19 May 2005

family matters

What do you do when your brother-in-law invited you to join his Friendster and hi5 lists?

Of course I won't join. The ones I joined years ago pun tak terjaga. I never joined anything anymore, even when many sent me invitations and I'm not about to start again. I haven't got time for that and I'm so malas one.

Ok, I love my family dearly but I think I want to keep my online life separated from my real life. I'm uncomfortable if they find out the heck I'm merapu-ing about. So, sorry lah Abg N.

Speaking bout family, what a small world lah kan! KakTeh and I are, somehow demented that we are, from the same clan. Esshh. KakTeh jgn marah yek with my posting. I still can't get over the fact that of all the places, boleh jumpa sedara while blogging, considering I ni jarang bergaul sangat.

Wednesday 18 May 2005

what la you?

I dunno what is it about me that give an impression that I lead a very interesting and sophisticated life, and make loads of dosh.

Nak kata famous, tidak... Nak kata lawa pun jauh sekali... Nak kata jahat tu jahat jugaklah sikit sikit. Heh..but lately asyik dapat colourful emails with out of the world remarks that could dampen my spirit je. Ada pulak allegation yang I have a high flying lifestyle, suka menunjuk nunjuk and kuat memilih sejak duduk kat Londres ni.

Hahahaha… Tah apa apa lah manusia ni. Essh… Hello! Kat mana you dapat ni?

If you think selling ice cream and driving around the country like a slave driver is chic, then I think you need to have your head examined.

Just because you read some stories in my blog or saw some pictures, it doesn’t mean you can make assumptions about me.For the record, I am far from being chic.Yes, I live in London but if you know how expensive everything is here, then you’d know that I’m always broke before the 15th of every month. I’m tempted to start gambling so that I can increase my bank account by 9 fold tau.

The thing is I’m lucky that my job requires me to travel with all expenses covered. I think I know all the motorways, A and B roads in Britain better than most Brits. That’s how I get to go to most UK cities, and great historical places like the castles and such. Kalau nak harap duit sendiri, jangan mimpi lah.

And yes I travel for pleasure too and these things cost money, but kalau dah dok sini tak pegi travel rugi lah. Tu yang broke selalu tu. Kalau you all nak tau, I pegi jalan2 tu pun on a very tight budget. I took buses, stayed in hostels and walked all over cities. Sometimes I shared a room with 10 other stinking travellers who came back loud and drunk. No luxury I tell you!

I don’t own a car, let alone live in a posh house. The current flat is nice and well equipped with monster plasma tv, broadband, dvd, PS2, sky cable, 3 aquariums (my flatmate is a fish man) and whatnot but sorry to disappoint you, these gadgets are not mine. I tumpang guna saja.

Hah lagi satu... You can talk to me about iPod la, PDA la bla bla bla, I seriously tak tau nak guna and I’m not interested in having one pun. J gave me an mp3 for Christmas but sampai sekarang I tak reti reti nak upload songs into it. Adik kecik you pun tah tah lagi terer guna all these.

My mode of transportation is a small van courtesy of the company, or sometimes I take the tube. I don't have the urge to own a Merc like most Malaysians kat sini yang berlumba lumba nak bawak balik sebijik. My room is so damn small I can’t even fit my workstation in. My desktop is another courtesy from the office.

Masa I first moved to London, The Mentor kesian tengok I kot, so dia bagi pinjam segala mak nenek barang2 rumah. Iron, set pinggan mangkuk, glasses, tv, cooking utensils, selimut, kettle, sudu garpu. Semua ehsan dia. Bed and mattress pun dia kasi. Yang syok nya dia bagi I dok free lagi in her nice flat while I was looking for my own place. Come winter time, heater puuun I pinjam dengan office. Hahahaha.

My office is near Cardiff, so sometimes I had to stay overnight. I used to book myself into a Travel Inn, but because they costed the company so much, I opted to stay in a caravan. My choice tau, kalau org lain tu mesti nak dok hotel je. Caravan ni The Boss punya, but he said I can have unlimited access whenever. It's definitely not Mandarin Oriental but I love it.

I haven’t had my hair done in like ages. Not even a haircut. Apa nak buat, balik keje dah malam malam buta, then had to do paperwork lagi. Kedai semua dah tutup.

Shopping spree is not my top priority. The last time I bought a pair of shoes was in Jan, and before that I think it was with Ju at Jaya Jusco back in Feb 2004. Tu dia! Punya lah cikai nye I ni.

However, I am lucky to have met very very generous and kind people ever since I merantau dengan sehelai sepinggang and satu backpack (betul, tak tipu punya). Everyone has been so helpful.

So, there! Sorry to disappoint you. I'm not worthy of envious thoughts or gossips. You and I have nothing in common. Except I makan nasik, you pun makan nasik, unless your meal is Poulet à la Parisienne and you drink Chardonnay. I don't know Damansara just like you don't know where Tongkang Yard is (that's my mum nye kampung)

This is how I live my life. Some of you may know me personally and if I may, I prefer to remain as Ewok to the rest. Bila I balik M'sia, kalau nak jumpa tu lain cerita.

If you think my life is interesting, then I’d say hoo-fucking-ray (alamak! sori ray cats and Pak Malim, no offense ya)

Tuesday 17 May 2005

The future is female

The wedding will take place in 5 weeks.

Not my wedding, of course. Sorry, didn’t mean to tease you like that. Last year, I sent a couple to work at Roman ruins and they came back with the news.

This is me, posting something that I might regret later on. Blame it on the hormones.

There’s this article I read about the future being female.

My future is female, isn’t it? No nice men, only ever increasing number of cats. I am going to get all eccentric and retire to a farm in Pendang with sixty cats, leaving my nieces and nephews to grind their teeth in fury when I leave everything to the clubhouse.

I could see it now.

I didn’t actually have a cat yet, but it’s inevitable. So you’ll forgive me if I wasn’t too thrilled at the wedding announcement. Love hurts, and wedding should be banned from inviting single people, hateful torture sessions that they are.

Standing around with all the old parents and parents’ mates comparing who’s been paired off to whom: score one for boyfriend, four for engaged and a clear six for married.

Even worse are the actual young couples, sneaking their arms through each other’s in such a way that you look, and then they blush and pretend to have been caught out. And say patronising things about how great it must be to have a career. Urgh, they make me sick.

Hey hey hey! Stop it E!

What’s got into me? Ok, I’m a romantic who wanted the whole thing, the real deal. Who wouldn’t? Only I don’t want it, like... now. What scared me was that the guy in this fantasy is still – faceless?

Wednesday 11 May 2005

Little things that matter

Everyone here knows who Dina Zaman is. She’s an icon in her own style for many of you and she has inspired many of us to write, including me, you, you and you. Though she denied that she is a celebrity but truthfully, she is well known in her field and had created a name for herself. Watch out! She's the new breed of writers to take on the world.

So, you think you know her stuffs and you read her articles. You cry reading her stories, you laugh at her jokes but how well do you know her on a personal level? No much I reckon. That's because she is also well known for some ass kicking when her privacy is invaded. How many of you know what her likes and dislikes?

Not many, huh? So, in my attempt to get to know her personally, I accidentally cracked her skull and had a peek at what’s it’s like to be in her head. This is what I found out when I interviewed the cells in Dina’s brain. Let’s get up close and personal.

Oh! Can somebody switch off the light, please?

Are you the types that shy away from telling us your age?
No. I am 36. I’m not shy.

Where do you come from?
My family originated from the East Coast. My father is Kelantanese, though there is a lot of Pattani blood. My mum is from Terengganu. Having said that, my family is huge. If you were to meet my family, you would wonder as some of us look Malay, Arab, Chinese etc. My immediate family – my father and I look Chinese, mum looks mixed, and my sisters Malay. We originally were Bugese.

How long have you lived here?
In Malaysia? 50% of my life. I have family all around the globe. Also my father worked abroad so we followed him. We lived in the Communist countries. Other people lived in Europe. My dad had to get postings in Moscow, Prague etc. But they were beautiful countries.

I heard you have mad family. Tell us about them.
I wouldn’t say they’re mad, but we have a lot of characters! That’s why I am close and enjoy being with my family, because the things I hear are so delightful and funny! You know us East Coast people. All these polygamous marriages and stealing other people’s wives or husbands, heh heh.

You girls must be handful for your dad to handle when you’re growing up.
Er, yes. We’re very different, we girls. I am free spirited. Liza is quiet but when she is stubborn… Nora is the beauty queen. But the one that is close and yet gives my father grief would be me. Poor man. Sometimes he just gives up. But I always tell him, he has a choice: to have a boring daughter or someone that entertains him.

Were you breast fed when you were an infant?
I don’t know. I got to ask Mum, but she’s gone for some luncheon.

Do you have a pet?
I HAD. Brush.

Name the worst thing you ever did for attention.
Alamak. When I was in Form 5, I had a crush on one boy in SMS Selangor. So I became his secret admirer, wrote him letters and when I met him, I’d say so and so kirim salam. I even told him his admirer was sexy. One day I confessed. I think he fainted.

What are you doing just after midnight on Saturday?
Tidur lah! Where got life?

What era, event or day in history you would like to re-live?
Two: the Victorian era and the 30s. The former because of the literary and erotic movements at that time. I have great interest in the history of courtesans and erotica because while these two were lambasted for bringing moral decay to the Victorians, they were actually very powerful influences on politics and governance. The 30s because Anais Nin was around and there was such great romance and sensuality to that era. Also, writing was exploding then.

What is your idea of earthly happiness?
Being with someone I love, reading books, having one kid, and going on adventures with the love of my life.

Who are your favorite heroes of fiction?
Ah-hah. Read Anais Nin’s Delta of Venus and look for Elena and Bijou. Elena is the hopeless romantic while Bijou is the whore of the decade. Why them? Because of the way they lived their lives with great passion.

Who are your favorite heroines in real life?
None.

Do you smoke?
Only when I am very very very stressed and with very very close friends. Is one cigarette considered smoking? Ok, I’m lying. The most I smoke is two. That’s my only vice apart from buying books. I don’t drink, indulge in illegal things. I’m really boring!

The quality you most admire in a person?
Honesty.

What do you most value in your friends?
Loyalty, honesty, and non-judgement. Oh yes, a great sense of humour.

What is your dream of happiness?
Being with the love of my life. I’m not telling you who.

What to your mind would be the greatest of misfortunes?
That I never pursued my goals, and didn’t end up with this person.

What is your favorite color?
White.

What is your favorite bird?
I hate birds. I like cats.

What natural gift would you most like to possess?
Calmness and patience.

To what faults do you feel most indulgent?
Eh?Whose faults? Mine? I have a temper. I can be incredibly moody. I can also be incredibly aloof and a loner.

What is the most adventurous thing you’ve done?
Falling in love.

Name something you keep in your underwear drawer (besides bras and g-string)
Perfume sachet. So that my undies smell nice. I found 10 bucks in there once. I don’t know how it got there.

Name a place you don’t belong
Bangsar, Jalan Telawi.

Describe that low, low moment when you just thought you might have to leave KL for good.
Well, it hasn’t happened yet but I guess… if this dream does not come true, I’ll pack my bags.

Are you good at Frisbee?
Dah lama tak main.

Was the contract with Vivid Video a mistake? Ops..sorry. You’re not a porn star.
Actually I was meant to be the Playmate of the Year. Yeah, I actually won the Two Fried Eggs Award. I can’t talk much, you’ll have to speak to my lawyer.

Give me three words that describe you as a person in non-physical terms.
I hate describing myself. 3 words. Temperamental. Finicky. Funny.

What turns you on?
Your blog is PG rated love! Ha ha! I can’t tell you!

What turns you off?
BO. Sloppy manners. Superficiality. Pretentiousness. Stupidity. Men that criticise women when they’re actually fat and have smelly breath.

What is your favorite curse word?
It used to be shit, but now it’s crap. It depends.

What profession would you like to attempt other than your own?
An actress. In the 1930s of course.

What books have influenced you?
So many! Gabriel Garcia Marquez’s Love in The Time of Cholera; Kawabata Yasunari’s The House of Sleeping Beauties; Anais Nin’s Delta of Venus and Little Birds; the Quran; The Kite Runner; many many more. James Herriotts books.

Are you a sports fan?
No.

What five items would you put in a time capsule to be opened in a thousand years?
A photo of my family and me; my favourite book; my favourite perfume; buku Yassin and a lock of my hair.

Have you read any of the crossover children’s fiction such as J K Rowling (Harry Potter) and Philip Pullman (His Dark Materials)?
Yes.

Who is your style icon?
Two: Audrey Hepburn and Katherine Hepburn. I like the American way of dressing. Very clean and simple.

What is your favourite way to spend a Sunday afternoon?
With my books. If I have a partner, it’ll be hanging out watching movies.

What is your preferred movie-viewing snack food?
Popcorn with salt

How do you write? Straight to computer or sketched ideas with pen and paper?
Sketched ideas. Then write on paper. Then pc.

What is your favourite film?
All the Indiana Jones; Welcome Back Mr McDonald, The English Patient

Can photography be described as art?
Yes.

Have you enrol in a swimming class yet?
Nope. Shy la to wear swim suit. I go for classes in MY HEAD.

What will you be doing at 6:45pm on May 19th?
Packing up to go home, makan, baca and sleep. I told you my life is boring.

What is the weirdest medical condition or physical attribute you have?
I have endometriosis. Which is why I have to be careful for my well-being.

Name something you enjoy that you are not particularly proud of
Hmmm. I wouldn’t know. Hey, I do. I’m not telling you!

Do you have tattoos or piercings?
My ears are pierced.

What' s your favorite smell?
Vanilla. Esp my fave perfume, Angel. Oh oh, yes, another one. But that I can’t tell you! Ha ha!

What is your motto?
Seize the day! ‘Carpe diem!’

Who are your favorite characters in history?
None.

What historical figures do you most despise?
None.

In what country would you like to live?
I would like to live in either Paris, the South of France or the Muslim quarter in Spain. Right now Ubud.

What is your favorite flower?
Haleconias. When we lived in our former home, the garden was blooming with them. I always had this morbid wish that my grave would be surrounded by them.

Who would you have liked to be?
I have always wanted to try being the Most Sexy and Popular Girl, for a day. Nak tengok apa yang syoknya tu.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Poverty.

Would you pose nude for £50,000 (this is not an offer!)?
Only if the painting or photo is burned afterwards!

What' s your favorite fruit?
Mango

Name a sport that really sucks
Netball. In TKC they were crazy for netball. I hated it.

Are you romantically involved with someone at the moment?
No. But I do like someone :) But like all my love affairs, it will never happen.

Wah! Looks like her brain can't stop talking to me. I think I'm exhausted from asking too many questions. And hmm... nothing really juicy or scandalous I could use to sell to the Daily Mirror.*whispering* You know what? I think she's got the hot for that grey haired man. Can you imagine him wearing kain pelikat? And burn that nude photo? Hell no!

Thursday 5 May 2005

EDITING.... by dz

Last week there were a few revelations, which made me think and do what I had to do the last few days.

I was talking to Peanut about this; we are going on similar yet very different journeys. One of the things we do is edit. Edit our lives. From friendships that no longer benefit us spiritually, emotionally to foods that were bad for us, we ran through a list.

This is life, no?

Editing anything out of your life, especially friends and relatives, can be a painful process. We are all not heartless people, but there are personalities that drain you. And you wonder why, after each encounter you have with them, you are friends.

And so it goes.

I started with my wardrobe. In my past life, I went to many functions and dinners. In this life I have now, I don't. A number of dresses and evening gowns stand forlornly in the cupboard, gathering dust. I have given many away, and there are a few more.

The Dress still stays. Until I wear it once, it will wait in the cupboard. The rest? They do not fit into my life now, and I do not see them fitting into the future.

Now I am wondering how to do this: to get out of an enterprise. Mind you, this is not about ending a friendship, but moving on from a dead end project that I got dragged into this year. I have told the team that I had no passion for it, I didn't want to be part of it, but they begged to differ.

Honeytar opened my eyes last night. "Your laptop being stolen was one way of you detaching yourself from him. That was the final gift from him. Now you are free."

She was right, but I still fret as I have many photos and work in the laptop. Whoever has it, may he or she poo tankers.

I have friends that can be curt about editing. I am in awe of their boldness and hurt by their callousness. But, as we all know, this is life. You just pick yourself up and move on.

Editing requires strength. Physical in the sense that you have to move to take action. When I gave away a dress my arms hurt because the dress had so many memories, but I gave it away.

Emotional because you think, what if you still want to be in touch with the person? So you call your good friends like Sof, and then you realise, it was never meant to be. Mental because you have to be focussed, and it's easy to not be, you know! You delude yourself into thinking that one day all these will be artefacts that the Smithsonian will want upon your death and that your gossip magazines will be studied by 25th century academics.

It is May.

Four months of the year have passed, and so many things have happened. I wonder what will happen today and tomorrow, but I do know that I will be editing more parts of my life that may have served me well years ago, but have no place now.