Thursday 29 December 2005

Googlism for: ewok

ewok is 16 inches tall and is made exactly like paploo/latara
ewok is great
ewok is cool and esher
ewok is sweet only she doesn't always want to be petted
ewok is nothing but mush
ewok is frightened
ewok is not once spoken in the film
ewok is going bi
ewok is best with adults and kids above 9 years old
ewok is very currious about the parties past
ewok is force sensitive
ewok is one of a kind
ewok is a sweet and very cute girl
ewok is alive and kicking
ewok is awesome

serak but not basah

The day we went to dinner up the tree house at Naili's, I sang like a baffoon. Ahakssss... I know myself so I won't say I have suara emas. Don't bother betting on me.

Dinner was good and the conversation was even better. It's a place where you can just be you, with all the flaws out in the open. You see, I don't see myself as near perfect (because no one is perfect anyway). I am so insecured that I don't even care to admit it. I just live on.

I have a problem being in a group of strangers. I do not know how to.. errm.. talk. I find it hard to make small talk. I don' think that I am unfriendly but some would see me that way because I dislike talking to people about myself. I see no point of opening up to those I hardly know and I do not know how to 'menyampuk' in a conversation as PS put it. She has been my coach since I've been back. Sometimes I follow her advice, but most of the times I'm just not bothered.

There were times when I think that my communication problem will have a major impact on my jodoh. Tu lah, I know I sewel. Deep down I was afraid that I would not meet someone or when I met him, I would be too scared to open my mouth. Either way I might lose out. He could be right in front of me but how would I know? Sigh.

When Mak passed away exactly 10 years ago today, it was unexpected, on my side anyway. I wasn't ready. Fast forward to now, I think I know what to expect. I know that even the most able-bodied may be dead the next day, but the truth is I am still scared to lose people I care for. To grief till my heart bleeds. Tak sanggup, but my heart doesn't know that. I am weak and too soft, and when I love, I love.

That, however, leads me to another insecurity. How would you know that you're loved by those whom you love? Am I worth everything for them to fight my battle with me, or at least hold my hands when I'm down? Do I show or tell I love them in return for the reassurance that they feel the same? One look at me, people used to assume that I was serious and tough, that I do not know how to love. Well, ok, maybe I do not know how to show my affection but that doesn't mean I do not care.

You know what intrigues me is the way some people are intimidated by physical look, which in my case is my eyes. Yes, they're so big that they could pop out any time. However, it has been 31 years and they're still there. When I listen attentively, I was told that my eyes become even bigger, though I don't feel any difference. I have to tolerate myself for having my eyes, what else can I do, right? I just wish sometimes people stop saying 'waaa mata you niii.....' Hah! Mata I ni apa?

I should add singing as one of my many flaws. I can't sing to save myself. But do you think I care? Of course not. Once, I entered a competition for Zone Alor Setar many light years ago. Mak aii... the judges must be deaf to let me thru to the semis. I sang lagu rock kapak. I think it was Sentuhan Kecundang or was it Pusara di Lebuhraya? I admit I cannot get enough of these songs. I'm such an otai that I can still remember the lyrics. Girls... so sorry to torture you that night with my rendition of rock ballards. Hancus!

These last few weeks, however, have been really good. I am able to see a bigger picture of myself. I may not be clever but I listen a lot and I observe more. I accept my fears and I acknowledge that there will be times when my self-esteem at the lowest. All I have is my strength and heart to help pull me back. Things that are out of my control I will leave them to God. Jodoh dan ajal are not for me to fret. With the new family law, I say run fast before they catch you for prey.

I have just one more day. I shall miss you. A lot.

tergigit lidah

Masik = masak nasik

Lojong Taib = Lorong Haji Taib

Terah = terang & cerah

Hasam = hari semalam

Friday 23 December 2005

flood in the house

Everyone must have known about the flood in the north and east coast. Last night I spoke to Aci. She lives near Jitra, one of the worst affected areas but her new house was spared from the disaster. Unfortunately, our family house in AS is among the many thousand houses affected.

No one lives in that house nor we have lotsa stuffs in it. Since Aci and family moved out almost a year ago, nobody wants to occupy it. The bros now have their own place and I, well, I don't come back too often anyway. Even when Aci was there, that place was in a serious condition, to put it mildly.

A complete makeover or renovation won't be worth it. We have discussed among us that the best way is to tear down the whole structure and build a new one. It's heavily infected by termites, cockroaches and rats. And when I heard about the flood, I knew that our house would suffer the worst in the kampong.

Over the years, people around us has been renovating their houses, yet, we have done nothing. In a way, this has affected the level of the soil as they lifted the house to a higher ground leaving ours on the same level as before. It is so bad that everytime there was a heavy rain, ours would be the only one that have flash flood.

To say that I am sad is an understatement. I am gutted. That's the place where I grew up and spent half my life. That's the place where I first learned how to ride a bike. A homely place where I learned things from my mum. I had my first crush with Abang M and spent time daydreaming after seeing him walked pass the house. It's a place where I played all the childhood games like tengteng, tuju kasut etc. And we always had constant supplies of mangos and jambus from around the house. I always have fond memories of it.

Now, it's nothing more than a rundown house that is ready to collapse any time. Old cupboards have been eaten up by termites, windows and doors on top have fallen apart and the ceiling on the lower level has too many holes to count. Bird nests and cobwebs are everywhere. And now the flood water up above my knees has filled the house.

Once a upon a time, it was a glorious house.

I am embarassed. For leaving the house that way. For not doing anything. For not feeling connected anymore. For staying away.

I know what we have to do. I have a vision for that land. What I don't have is money. For now, it will have to stay as it is even though my heart cries every time I think of it.

Monday 19 December 2005

kampongku syurgaku

Masa saya balik kampong baru baru ni, saya rasa syok betoi. Memanglah saya balik sat saja tapi saya rasa, silaturrahim antara kami sekeluarga makin erat dan kuat.

Time ghaya dulu, saya lepak kat ghumah kakak saya tapi kali ni saya tidoq kat ghumah abang saya, Na, pulak. Na dah plan awai2 lagi nak bawak kami pi mengai ikan kat kampong dekat rumah abang2 saya Acik and Ateh. Budak2 tu apa lagi, memang syok habih la sebab dapat terjun bendang.

Ye lah. Orang la ni tak bagi anak main selut sebab jenuh nak kena cuci nanti, tapi kali ni depa bagi green light plak. Maybe sebab saya ada kot, and dah lama tak main kotorq and rasa hidup kampong ni kan. Anak2 menakan saya semuanya excited gila and semua sebok cari mata kai and umpan cacing.

Kami anak beranak, tak kira pompuan ka laki semua turun bendang and aloq tu. Masa nak bubuh umpan cacing tu..... Eeeewwww saya geli gila tengok cacing ngan ulat yang depa korek tu.
Tak sanggup saya nak cucuk kat pancing saya. Last skali, saya suruh anak menakan saya Hakeem tulung bubuh kan. Hakeem ni baru darjah 1. Hahahaaaa... buat malu saja. depa semua gelak kat saya. eesssh tak kisah lah kan. Janji we had fun.

Ada la anak menakan saya yang pompuan2 tu menjerit-jerit sebab geli, boy cousins bukan nak tulung sangat sampai saya pulak yang terpaksa bubuh umpan ulat kat kail depa ni.

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee... geli siot! tapi saya pejam mata sajalah. Ulat tu siap kodek kodek plak masa saya tengah pegang. Urrrggghhhhhhhhh...

Bila dah senja baru kami balik rumah. Between 8 of us, kami dapat 20 ekoq ikan puyu, 5 ikan ghuan and 2 ekoq sepat. Waaahhh!!! saya syok giler lah sebab saya memang suka makan puyu ni. Favorite tu. Abang2 and kakak saya tak makan ikan darat ni. Pasai apa pun saya tak tau. Depa syok tangkap saja. Saya lah yang untung. Hehehehe...

Dlm gelap lah saya siang ikan2 tu. Dah la gelap, pastu nyamuk pun banyak. Habis kena ketit kiri kanan ataih bawah. Nasib baik lah anak menakan saya ada dok suluh toslet. Suruh depa tulung pun depa kata tak tau nak besiang ikan. Amboiiii budak2 ni. Dok kat kampong tapi siang ikan pun tak tau. Macam mana ni? Saya dulu umoq 12 tahun dah tau masak gulai ikan dah. Habih la depa kena kitai ngan saya. Basuh cukup cukup. Jgn nak harap mak pak buat semua benda. Kecik2 lah kena belajaq. Aparaaaa.

Acik pulak masa tu tengah sebok dok bakaq ikan temenung sampai 40 ekoq. Dinner malam tu memang saya rasa the best lah I had with my family. Ada ulam pucuk kadok, daun ubi, sambai belacan, gulai ikan bendi, ikan bakaq and puyu goreng. Adoiiii...simple yet very the sedap one. Rasa macam tak puaih saja. Tak tau bila buleh buat cam tu lagi. Tahun depan saya rasa macam tak balik saja. Memang lah tak sure lagi, tapi kalau ikut kiraan poket saya, macam tak mampu. Tengok lah nanti. Insyaallah, ada rezeki nanti nampaklah batang idung saya yang kemek ni.

Tuesday 13 December 2005

when we were young...

I went home to see the family for the last time.

Sis in law, Ky picked me up from the airport, and my nieces and nephews, as always, were ecstatic to see me home. I have no shame to say that I am their favorite aunt. Hehehe... The one and only who manja all 13 of them.

However, Saturday nite was spent with friends. Initially, we plan to go to Padang Besar in the morning. I don't really have anything I want to get and because my flight was delayed, they left without me. Over dinner, Derk and Kec were telling me about the sceneries near ladang tebu in Chuping.

"Betul Wok, lawa giler. Aku tak sangka Perlis ada gak tempat cam ni"

"Tak yah gi overseas. Macam kat Queensland, and you have to see the oasis," according to Kec.

They showed a few pictures taken with their phones, and I have to admit that that pique me more. Obviously, I had to see this place so I pursuaded them to take me there.

Unlike me, my friends cannot go out so freely, be it during the day or night. They have inquisitive mothers who would screen every movement even though they're already married, especially Kec. Sometimes we laughed over this because she feels like she's still a kid instead of a woman in her 30s. Her mom wanted to see me but I avoided her because I know she would ask me to come home and be a teacher, just like her 3 daughters. No, thank you mam! And Derk's mom would always say "Tu nak pi tang mana? Nak pi perabih duit lagi lah tu."

Anyway, we managed to arrange for the trip since they kelentong their moms. Hehe.. that's my friends!

We left early Sunday morning and had breakfast on the go. The views are not too bad, but really, the weather didn't help. It was too bright. It would be excellent if we had dark cloud as in pre-rain. However, it was quite a good view at the viewing deck overlooking the sugarcane plantation.

The best thing about the trip is, however, not the sceneries. It is the quality time that we spent together. More like we reconnect all over again and it was so good to laugh ourselves silly. Just like all the fun times we had when we were young and adventurous. Mind you, I am still young and adventurous! But the things we did, we only have the memories to hold on to. Like the time when all 3 of us decided to shave our head, the all-girl fishing trips, the driving classes in the middle of the night and the cycling trips down Katy Trail. Aahhhhh...

It was so good that we decided to drive all the way to Padang Besar and I ended up shopping for the things I don't need. No regrets though. On the way home, I told them we should have a girlie trip every time I come home. It'd be fun, girls!

Saturday 10 December 2005

Lesson # 241: Next time, don't assume. Listen and be heard.

Tomorrow, I am off balik kampung again until the 13th. My flight back to the UK is confirmed on the 30th Dec, but I told my family that this will be the last time I'd be back. I simply don't have the strength to go back and forth frequently. And I do feel I want to spend more time here in KL.

Oh! I have yet to write about the first time I saw the whole clan after I came back, without my tudung. Though my sister has seen me without one last April, I didn't know whether she told the bros. I seriously didn't know what to expect.

I can't say that the bros are alim, but they are good practising Muslims. Na, especially, carries out his life ikut sunnah, if he can. He talks about hadis and wears lebai somemore. Initially I thought that he would be the one to strike against me. Or at least he would advise me to reconsider putting it back on. He did neither. He didn't even ask me the reason.

All these while I felt like I couldn't face them. I assume that they would be mad at me, therefore I isolated myself and zipped my lips on this matter. Now I realised it was a wasted effort. They are more understanding, more accommodating and more relaxed than I thought.

beautiful pontianak

A few of my friends have been telling me that I should watch Pontianak HSM II (No. 2), but I had to refrain myself because I hadn't watch the first one. I didn't want to be clueless. Btw, I found out from minamona's blog that HSM is a flower. Oh wow! That's new to me.

Yesterday, I finally found a copy of PHSM (No. 1) among the dusty vcds kept in the drawer. Three quarter into the first cd, suddenly there was a blackout. I wouldn't go into details of this problem, but obviously I got a little bit frustrated. I had to wait until today before I finished the whole movie, and by that I time, I was due to meet PS and Aces at Midvalley for the second installment.

I am impressed with No. 1. Not many Malay films offer interesting outlook in a new dimension and elaborate the depth to such details. I am sure there are flaws but I hardly noticed any (I'm bias when I like something).

In No. 2, a lot of the flashbacks may be a little bit confusing to those who tried to recall No. 1, but lucky me, they're still fresh in my memory. Everything looks very promising until halfway into the movie. The plot is, in my opinion, weak and a little bit off. Too much information to digest. As I watched more, I feel that there is no need for the producer/director to explain the scenes i.e. Meriam's Revenge, The Awakening. To me, it looks like as if they doubt the intelligence of the audience by trying to explain things in writing. If you get it, you get it. If you don't, tough!

I especially like the kuda kepang dances. Beautifully done. It does look real and in fact, I was told that these actually happened during performances. Kena rasuk they say.

All in all, hats off to the director. It's unfair to compare with other movies because different directors have their own ways and interpretation, yet I have to say that PHSM (No 1) has all the right ingredients for best film, even better than Sepet. No 2, however, is slightly behind.

These are good Malay films that I enjoy. I, as always, found that my cheeks are wet from the very beginning. Sad what... I kesian the pontianak. I would seek for revenge too if I were in her position. No way I'm gonna let them loose. I dendam sampai mati. Anyone violate my trust, hurt and betray me, you have been warned!

Friday 9 December 2005

the devil temptation

Some people have been asking me about my previous blog and the reason I deleted it. You see, I only shifted the url and left it floating on the internet, but I wanted to think it over about the future of it (I often wonder whether blogs have future).

After almost two months, I decided to put it back up where it used to be, but apparently blogspot had a different idea. I couldn't use the old url and after a few hours of trying, I got really fed up and mad. It was spur of a moment. This morning, I felt sad because it's no longer there. I put such an effort in it and I loved every single thing I did to it. Ah well.

Lately, I am tempted to smoke. It all started when I went to dinner with Honeytar and Peanut. We reminisced about the crazy things we did in our younger years when suddenly I felt the urge. I haven't had one since April 2005. I didn't want to succumb to my urges so I managed to fight the nafsu. It wasn't so difficult.

I thought that the need for a smoke is just temporarily, yet I had the same urge for the last 3 days. It didn't help that I have a zippo lookalike in my bag. Today, I reckon the temptation was so much bigger and I long for the tabacco smell on my fingers. I gave in to the devil's temptation at 7-E and bought a 20pk Marlboro Menthol Lights.

I tried just one to see whether I like it or not, but I didn't even finish half of it. Rugi besar! I have to get used to the taste again.

Tuesday 6 December 2005

Sunday bloody sunday....

Sunday was not exactly bloody. It was just to catch your attention. Gotcha!

It was just another fun (?) but certainly interesting day. I had a wedding at noon, tea at 3pm and trip to Singapore at 6pm. See, am I not a good planner?

This wedding will go down as the easiest and the most awkward one I ever attended. Because my friends had hiccups in the morning, I went alone. Also, because of tea I had to go later, I decided not to wear baju kurung and when I mentioned that to a friend, she blasted me for being insensitive. Ya Allah! Itu pun kena aah? I swear to God that wasn't what I had in mind. I guess I wanted to feel comfortable and wearing baju kurung was never a comfortable thing to me what with sweats dripping down my legs. eeeeyyeewwwwwww... Besides I warned the bride about my attire and she said it's fine for her. I took her word just as it is (as I always do), now you know so don't say that you haven't been told.

The little tea party was, errrmm... let's just say you never had one like that before. You know, I had never been asked to be a bodyguard in either in my current or previous life, but last sunday I was one. Yay for me!

As we got there earlier than her date, I can't help but find it funny when dz set up our sitting arrangements. She wanted to be between me and gs, without any space in between for the old gatal man to squeeze in. Hahaha...

The minute the guy walked in, we had bahasa isyarat going, with knowing eyes and smiles. Gs was trying to tell me something but I was blur so most of the times I couldn't read his lips. Saya blur la.

I don't think I was of any helps. While she was drilling the grandpa, I was giggling though I tried very hard to suppress my sengih and to look like I was interested. Especially when she made a comment he was very prolific, thank goodness he didn't quite catch it. Gila ke apa? 10 kids! Eh hello? You talking to a bunch of youngsters (we young what), I am seriously not interested in listening about you and your missing children. Ok lah I should be a little bit compassionate but I guess I was not feeling hospitable towards him. We had enough troubles of our own, thank you.

I noticed he has some kind of air or arrogance in him, maybe because he strike out on his own and is proud of his achievements, but he sure looked gatal with a capital G. Aiyyaaa gelilahh. The way he tucked his shirt, so very old fashioned one. SLK or not, he's definitely out thru the window faster than you can say 'bye'.

Gs, you dare say he fancied me, I kill you!

There were several times when we had awkward silences. I sure dunno what to talk with grandpa. We had nothing in common, hah! But I tell you, he said he was in Kolej Sultan Abdul Hamid. These kolej boys are notorious spoil brats! especially my batch.

After a moment, we ran out of things to say and I needed to be somewhere else, which I think turned out to be a good parting excuse. Dz, my advice to you is never ever reply to anything he send after this. Just ignore him. The grandpa is not worth your time, not even as friend. You're young, carefree and funny, shallow man be him young or old is not for you.

When we walked to the car, I think he did try to catch up with us. Mana tau, kot kot dia ingat he get to be alone with her. Bleeeaaghh!

Luckily the drive down to JB was fine. I don't think I can stand another drama. If everyday like this, I die ooooh.

what a pretty good week!

Since I been back, I've been keeping quite a busy social life. I am not complaining, in fact I am glad to meet friends.

If you know me before, you'd be surprised at this change of personality. I haven't ditch everything. I am still the same Ewok but there's an obvious change. I go out a lot more, I meet more people and make new friends which is good and for the better. Yet, I still believe that I am socially inept.

I go out but I hardly talk. I shy away from attention and I dislike finding out that people read me before though I admit it was very flattering in the beginning. Some of the things that I thought were private, should stay private. I am not ashamed but just... uncomfortable, I would say. Unlike some who like to boost about being pretty or having this and that kind of businesses or thirst for life, I like to remain under the surface. One has to know me in order to get to know me. Geddit?

Anyway, the last few days I have been tagging dz (poor her. she must be bored stiff having the quiet me around) to parties. Aiya.. no shame lah me. On thursday we had dinner at Rasta with Haji Malim and Ms Gymnast. If Haji reads this, I have to say that I still tak puas hati lah Aji. I have to take you out further than TTDI and Bangsar. If I have to drive you, I will. Hehehe...

Before sending me back to my car, Hj and I stopped at her workplace and waaalllaaaa.. I got a free tour of the studios. Thanks ye aji. I hope you got home safely and not sesat after that. Btw, Haji Malim the cat does exist and not just an imagination of the owner.

Since Friday lunch is always longer than usual, I decided to meet old friends at Putrajaya. All of them had something worth complaining. Their bosses, the workload, the unfairness, the cold treatment, their longing and frustrations. I knew it all for I had them once, not too long ago. The massage session I had later turned out to be real good as stress reliever since my back pain has now totally disappeared. Thank goodness for zen.

You know, for a lone ranger like me, having to go to 3 parties on a Saturday is, well, a bit too much. The bbq at Ju's was a success if we judge by how fast the chickens and kebabs were consumed. My dear friend is a good cook. She especially made her famous mee kari for me. Other than that we had pulut kuning, rendang, nasi himpit, cakes and lotsa puddings. All homemade.

With my hair smelling like I just lepas kena salai, I zoomed to dz's for two more parties. For the first time, I met Sharon Bakar and she turned out to be a lovely bubbly woman. I admit I was blur as I sat at a table mostly dominated by either writer or editor.

It's kinda funny when someone thought that dz and I are sisters. (Ewok geleng kepala) Look at me, I'm like a sore thumb whereas she's pretty and slim. Two different looks and we're sisters?! Haha!

The last party was cool. Though my tummy was full, food were absolutely brilliant. I was more the observer (told you I dunno how to talk) and listening to them gays, I find that they are real fun to be with. Hilarious! But hmmm... looking at the gay mags proved to be a waste of time. Where are the men for us, I ask?


Sunday: to be continued..

Friday 2 December 2005

why i would die for my friends?

Sometimes I wonder how does it feel to live the life of a socialite. What time do they wake up? What they do since they're not busting their arses working. When their night ends? What's in their minds?

My guess is probably thinking about ways to spend more money. Outdo each other.

What to wear? Ohhhh... Gucci izzit?

Where to dine? To see and to be seen.

Gossip, scandal and bitching. They know it all.

Tak penat ke?

Do they really have friends in the circle? Friends who will stand by you by hook or by crook.

1. I have a friend whom I had known since I was 5. We went to the same schools, college and uni. We lived together for a while. Though we seldom see each other, but I know she's there. My mum was her mum's good friend. Our fathers bonded like brothers. And when my mum died, her's did her best to help me leave the country. I went to see them few weeks ago. Her father is now half deaf but her mum is still beautiful. They still treat me like a child they knew back then and for a while, I felt I was loved again.

2. There was a friend who had been my back bone for the last few years for without her, I wouldn't survive. A friend, who crossed every boundary, any obstacles; who would help no matter what situation I was in. Whose family accepted and love me like their own. She is a sister and a friend rolled into one. There's no other like her.

3. One good friend's wise advice is a sooth to the ears, and that's what make me realised I had a gem in my circle. What I love about her is that she doesn't care what others think. She is honest to the point of being brutal. She will poke at logic and rationale and make you eat your words, but deep down I know she cares and loves me enough to see that I don't do myself any harms.

4. Then, there were new friends whom I met in the past few months. Sometimes, just by listening and reading, you know what kind of person they are and whether they are worth your time. Every time you find out something about them, you broaden your horizon. New friends who share your likes and dislikes, suffer the same loss, hold the same values and dream for almost heaven. Every single moment spent with them I consider a pool of wealth. I am lucky to have discovered great, smart and beautiful people. If I could, I want to frame them for I am scared they will leave so soon.

I am a peasant. I only have friends and not pots of gold.

Thursday 1 December 2005

blimey tummy!

Thru out the night, I had a very disturbing night. My diarrhea had become worst. So this morning, I head straight to the clinic after I got a car.

No one was around so it was really quick. Dr. Norliza was pleasant but soft spoken. Half the time I couldn't hear the things she said. Weird though since I had lost a lot of water and mineral, I expect to be given some kind of salt or some sort like that. In the end, I came back with some antibiotic, pills and nothing else. The good doctor must have thought that I am just a lazy bitch trying to feign sickness to get an mc. Ohh! And I had a spliting headache just looking at the lists on her wall!