Sunday 28 January 2007

You Know I'm No Good

Last Friday I went out with The Candle Girl. You know just to kill time, and also to catch up on a few things. I’ve been friends with her for a few years now, and we chatted a lot but I haven’t talked to her about serious things for quite some times. You know, like things that matter to the heart?

I don’t have anyone here I could talk the way I do with CJ or PS. I wish they were here so that I can rant about my worries, about who I really am, what I really want and about my anguish. I guess The Candle Girl is the only one I am comfortable to talk about all this shit. It’s quite terrifying to open up and to bare all to someone you barely knew even if you know there’s a possibility that they could be good listeners. Like The Black Widow. I admit she is nice and a good friend, but I’m not sure if I can tell her all the things I’m going to confess here.

The Candle Girl and I used to walk down the canals in Skipton talking about our dreams and future. About what we want in life and how to get them. We would buy a bottle of Bacardi Twister and plastic glasses, and as we sipped our drinks, we would talk about our fears and doubts. How I relish that moment when I could pour my heart out and have someone listened and agreed or argued with me. Someone who would share my thoughts, but would not be afraid to stand her ground and tell me otherwise. It was good that we met again for coffee, just the two of us. We had some quality time to actually talk and ponder on things that we entrusted with each other.

The chat didn't revolve just around talks about our dreams or friends anymore. It went much deeper. Maybe I’m a cynic for so long. I’m different when it comes to friendship. The Candle Girl told me what I’ve known for a long time. I give out my trust so easily that I’d end up losing a part of myself. I’d lose faith in people. I know I’m hopeless. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. I like to believe that most people are kind-hearted and of good-natured. I’m readily available to offer my friendship.

I dunno why. Could it be that I want people to want to be my friends? Could it be that I want to hang on to them so that I don’t have to face the real nasty people out there? Could it be that I was born with this traits? Could it be that I refuse to believe and just live in my own world? What? What am I?

Even I’m at loss with myself. Yet, when it comes to love or a lover, I’m the opposite extreme. I hold myself back so much so that I didn’t give love a chance. Not even to explore the possibilities and to grow into something that could engulf my whole life. Deep down, I’m just scared.

Can you see the pattern? I’m way too open when it comes to friendship, but I shot down a chance at love faster than a man can say hello.

I don’t even know if I want to publish this piece. CJ once said that if I ever fall in love I would give everything I have to him. Wholeheartedly. She said that I was so damn generous that I wouldn’t have the heart to refuse anything at all. I’ll be damned!

That ain’t good, innit? You should be able to reserve at least 10 or 20% of yourself. Maybe that is why I always put a stop before it gets any further. Because knowing myself I would give it all and wouldn’t be able to pull my brake. Because if I got under the spell and got my heart broken, I would just crumble. I would be so miserable that you just want to see the back of me.

Gosh! I’m just writing rubbish. I dunno if I’m sane or not. I can’t believe I’m spilling my guts out.

The thing is there’s a nice guy who likes me. Anyway, that’s what everyone is saying. And I like him. We’ve been out and about and we have kissed. The world did spin a little, but I dunno if I want more. I don’t even know if I want to pursue this or commit myself to a relationship.

Is he worth the pain that I’ll be having? Is he going to break my heart? Can I trust him not to lust after another woman? I cannot bear the thought.

Yes. I am very cynical. I truly believe that every man, and I mean every single one of them, no matter how much they say they love you, will eventually break your heart. That they will cheat on their woman sooner or later. It may not be tomorrow, but it will happen in maybe 5 years, or 30 years down the line.

There! I said it. Hah! I’m so terrible that I think Datuk K and Siti will only last 10 years. They’d be lucky to have 15 years together. You know, it's the woman of the moment. Or whatever.

I don’t know if any man can prove me wrong. My father scarred me. Just look at some of my college friends struggling with their marriage lives. Pretty scary I tell you. I always believe that men think with their dicks and they always will. It is, after all, lust taking over their brain. At one point, when I had my heart crushed I hated men. I think I still do, and I don’t trust them. No, not even one bit.

More problems to me then. I admit that I can be very jealous. For me it has to be exclusive or nothing at all. I don’t mind him bonding and going out with his mates as long as it’s not another woman he’s thinking of.

Though I admit there are some rare gems out there, but even they make me sceptical whether they are genuine or not. Whether they would change the direction of their boats when the strong wind blows.

So I put on my shield. Keep moving. Keep the distance. New adventures around the corners otherwise you’ll be in trouble. The truth is I am tender-hearted and very vulnerable. I would offer up my entire being - body, mind, heart and soul, and it would be just pure weakness on my part. I know it doesn’t have to be that way, but that’s how I am.

The Candle Girl asked what am I afraid of?

I dunno, my own heart, I think. That I would sell my soul to the devil.

“It’s the hurt, sweetie. You’re always scared of it.”

She was right, you know.

“You can’t run away from love just because you might get hurt.”

I know. Love hurt, but it also healed. And it was what mattered most in the world. Deep down I know that love was worth the risk but dare I take it? Like the love that my JackJack showed when she beamed up after she saw me and called me Mummy, and the warm flow that I felt in my veins when she wrapped her tiny fingers around me for a hug. I wish I could love a man like I love her unconditionally.

“You have to change.”

My dear friend, I dunno if I can. I wish I can just close my eyes and say this to the man of my dream, “Darling, I’m all yours. Take good care of me.”

Thursday 18 January 2007

How to Look Good Naked

Since the move, I haven’t had my broadband working properly but I’m not complaining. That’s the kind of service you get when things are free anyway.

Last night, I got an email from my casting agency after almost one year of silence. In their email, I was informed that they would like to submit my name for an audition for a program how to look good naked.

Yes. You heard me. Naked. As in N.A.K.E.D.

I laughed because I find it quite funny. I remember telling them that I’m not willing to go topless or bottomless. And they send me this?

They asked for my measurements, weight, height and that kind of stuff. After the holiday season, how could they expect me to be in the same size? Of course I put on weight. I went back home for heaven sake!

So what did I do? Nothing. I brushed it off as silly joke.

But this afternoon, I received a phone call from the agency. The girl I spoke too was very nice even though I turned down the offer to put my name forward. But she warmed me up and in the end she got me to tell her the stuffs.

Hahaha… Some people can be quite persistent, eh?

I’ve heard of the program but I just never watched it. So I dunno who, how, why or what they want people to do in it.

Ironic isn’t it? My friend Dina is promoting her book “I am Muslim”, but here I am talking about appearing naked on telly. Hehe...

Ah well, it’s only for an audition.

Oh by the way, on the way to the internet cafe I received another call from Heidi that they want a picture of me in plain black or white bra and knickers only.

Hahahahahaaaaa.... I'm gonna be a porn star!

Tuesday 9 January 2007

of pain and paint

Last week, I had a little project going for me. I came back to the UK knowing that I’d be moving room.

The current one is near perfect and comes with a balcony for lazying around in the summer. However, one thing I could not stand is the leaking and water dripping from the ceiling. There’s a bathroom on the floor above me. No way I could endure that anymore!

I knew that the ground floor room would be vacant on last Wed, and it happens that I knew the boy who lived there so I kinda know the condition of the room. The walls were sorta dirty with ashes and black mark. They looked pretty rundown.

Yet, that didn’t stop me since I plan to paint them all over (with the management approval, of course). The manager told me that he could get Rarebit, the handyman at the block, but I’d rather DIY. First, because I could get it done quicker and second, I was very impatient.

Stopped at Wickes to get cans of paints and I was unable to make up my mind about the colors. I had enough of soft green, and I don’t fancy blue anymore. Not interested in red or purple though I like to have purple hair. After spending more than 2 hours, I decided to use tones to create some sort of depth in the room and finally got a can each of caramel and soft sand.

So, on both Thursday and Friday, I was busy going up and down the ladder. Sampai rasa macam nak tercabut lutut. Looking at the room now, I am very satisfied and happy that it looks the way I want.

Though, I was annoyed with one comment made by a Malay guy who saw me doing the walls. He said, and I quote, “Eh, pompuan pun boleh buat keje ni ke? Ingat kan lelaki je”

Huh?

Hello mister? Ish ish ish… You ingat ni zaman apa? Of course women can do these kind of things when we put our mind to it, except most of us sometimes chose not to. CJ, PS and I did it once when we lived in Bandar Baru Sentul, and as I remember, we had fun doing it.

I can’t imagine a man who lives in the UK saying that. Haven’t he seen any of the DIY home makeover programs on telly? The 60 Minutes Makeover has a lot of handywomen doing the dirty job and I’m sure there are a few other daytime programs.

This guy should at least open his mind to the surrounding. It’s quite embarrassing to be ignorant.

Friday 5 January 2007

don't wait till she comes, go to her

What a nightmare!

I dunno why Blogger team makes us change to using Google account. I find it terribly annoying and troublesome because I failed to login every time I tried. I can do everything else as usual but that login thing certainly menyusahkan.

Imagine this: Whenever I want to log in, I had to create a new blog just so I could sign in to my blogger/google account. Gila!

Just like the previous years, I don't make a habit of having new year resolutions. I'm sure half the population make this commitment to themselves, yet most would be broken shortly after they were set. What's the point?

Once, I was convinced that having new year resolutions would set my priorities right. First, I would work hard to lose the fat that has been inside me for as long as I could remember. Sure, I was motivated. I workout everyday, and most of the time I would overdo it thinking that I could achieve my goal in short period of time.

Then I told myself I'd find another job. I convinced myself that I hated my current job and it didn't give any on the job orgasms. And I told myself I'd buy a house soon. Get my dream car. Build my business. So on.

Hummmpppp....

Some people have a simpler need. Get married, have a baby, be happy.

Soalan saya: Bahagiakah mereka?

Maybe. But that's not what I want. Just yet.

I tell myself life will be better when I switch jobs, when I have a nicer car, when I take a holiday, when I migrate to another country. Life is just about to start when I do all that.

I get frustrated because all that things happened but the obstacles are the same. I still have ordeals to go through, work to be finished and lots of bills to be paid. I realised these are life.
We create happiness along the way with all the little things that matter.

Stop waiting to lose that 10 pounds, for work to begin, to get married, for Friday evening, for a new car, for summer, for Mr. Right. The time is now.

Though I wouldn't mind losing that 10 pounds!

Wednesday 3 January 2007

photos of yesteryear

Leave the footprints, take the memories and keep your heart with you

Flowers at Hyde Park, Oxbridge Boat Race, Chilly spring at Tower Bridge
Up the Brighton booster, market place in Barcelona, mirror image at Catalunya
Colourful city of Krakow, riverview in Torun, pretty face of Nicholas

Happy New Year 2007

Without noticing it, the time flies very quickly. It's now 2007 and I think I did not accomplish anything of excellent achievement in 2006. What a waste!

A lot of things has taken toll on me. A lot of pressure and battles I have with myself that I do not know if they were any good. Mind, body and soul.

Blogging has also become the last thing I think of lately. I realised that I manage to put up only 5 posts over the last 2 months. Very disappointing for someone who used to post almost everyday in her old defunct blog.

Anyway, I will try to get rid of this laziness and maybe share more boring stories of my life.

I hope this year will bring more happiness and opportunity. Selamat Tahun Baru