from a daughter to parents

When I was growing up, I never heard about gays and lesbians. My parents were clueless too, I think. I always felt different. I knew from an early age that I would never marry a man.

During primary school, at my young age, I developed crushes on many of the girls. I thought nothing of them. It wasn't until college when I finally learned what "gay" was. You may think that I grew up in some long ago decade, but surprisingly, I grew up in the late 1980s and 1990s. I was in the dark. I didn't accept myself until I was in my 30s, but by then a lot of damages have been done to the state of my mind.

My parents, however, have both long gone when I finally acknowledged myself so in a way I consider myself lucky. But there are too many youth and young women out there who are not so lucky.

I learned the harsh truth that love is not unconditional, there's always a "but" at the end of a sentence. Parents may claim to love us, but they love the person they think we were and the person they hope we will be.

silenced screams

A look from you is as blinding as the sun,
As stunning as your eyes I lose myself in.
A look from you is as pure as the clear blue sky,
As isolating and binding as the ties I'm in,
When I'm with you.

Every minute I'm not around you,
I feel like I left something behind.
Every time I'm not looking at you,
I feel like I am blind.

A smile from you is as electrifying as the moon,
As beautiful as the moonlight that shimmers off your skin.
A smile from you is as calming as the stars in the sky,
As cruelly wonderful as the world I'm in,
When I'm with you.

For you are the star in my life
An angel in the sky
What do I have to sacrifice?
For you, I would die.

I've tried, but I can't fly
No use, just hurting me more
You're my angel in the sky
Here I am, tied to the floor.

You leave me here, standing in the rain
You leave me here, staring at the sky
You leave me here, in darkness and pain
You leave me here, all alone to die.

I'm soaked in blood of shattered dreams
I'm drenched in tears of silenced screams
Looking at the stars in the sky
They're like scars, making me cry.

For you are the star in my life
You fell from the sky
What do I have to sacrifice?
For you, I die.

dearest

I sincerely hope that you are well and truly happy. I know you are such a vibrant, caring and positive person who loves your life. However I cannot say the same for myself.

I don’t know who I was anymore. You told me that you want me to find someone single and be happy. I don't have the yearning to find that person. You tell me now, what is the point of all that when I lost my anchor? I lost direction when you told me you don’t want me anymore. But still, I kept searching for your astonishingly beautiful eyes, your soft hands and your soothing voice so that you can guide me back to where I belong and get back all that I have lost. I still want the same.

You know me better than I know myself, so how can one let one’s soul mate getting lost without direction? I don’t know what happiness is anymore. I don’t laugh, I don’t joke and I don’t enjoy life like I did with you. You took away everything with you when you left me broken. I miss you terribly. I never stopped thinking about you every day, but knowing that you don’t want me and that you have someone new hurt even more. It was as if it just happened yesterday.

I still have the same intensity of feelings when I looked at you. You are the most attractive woman and surprisingly my body started shaking when I look at your photo. Silly me, I thought time will help. It might have helped you but it didn’t do one bit for me. I know. You don’t want to hear all these.

I was angry at you for giving up on me, for giving up on us. You’re my rock and you’re supposed to believe in me. But deep down I know it’s not your fault. I had all I ever wanted but things were against me. Not a single day has passed without me blaming myself for my own stupidity. On contrary to what you think, I don't have the desire to bring you down or ruin your life. I would rather bleed for you than see you go through it.

So, you told me you're in love. I am happy for you. No, I lie. I am miserable and I don't think it's fair that I suffer. But then again, you know that I will always do everything for you. Well, remember the phrase 'no problem'? I can only hope she appreciates you more than I do.

I guess I will continue my journey alone. I hope that I will never experience heartbreak ever again because I don't think I'll survive next time. At least I have myself and that's for forever. Now all I want is to find solace so that I can carry on living.

ironic

No more laughter. No more smiles. Since you left me.

Soul mates aren't we, but you casted me aside? And now you have another. Ironic isn't it?

In the beginning you kept saying that one day I would be the first to leave. Ironic, again, eh?

Help me God. I don't want to hurt anymore. I am tired. I wish I can tell my heart to stop feeling, but I can't. I can only continue living, hidden behind empty smiles.

I know you're happy, and I'm happy for you. I wish you no harms. I would rather bleed than hurt you. So, the knife twisted deeper.